To distract from the disastrous consequences of leaving the European Union with all the grace and finesse of a child uninviting someone at his seventh birthday party, the UK government plans to revive the Imperial units. You know: 66 gallons to a barrel, 6 barrels to a single rod, 22 ounces to a watt, 9 Rodneys to a Del Boy, that kind of nostalgic masturbation. But a lot has changed since the dark days of the British Empire. If the obtuse unit system is to come back (lol), we need new units for modern technology. I have ideas.
While the metric system is pure magic (did you know that a milliliter of water weighs 1 gram and that the amount of energy required to heat 1 ml of water to 1 degree Celsius is a calorie? Magic), the Britain / England cannot resist the run-down nostalgia and confused calculations. So here are some new units that we might see in the next few years:
royal – 100 people dropping to 1. Great for battle royale games and reality shows, but slang could reuse it for microwave timers. It takes ⅓ royale (or ½ Apex) to heat a cup of tea.
quite – 640KB. Bill Gates’ supposed quote “640K should be enough for everyone” may be apocryphal, but it is a useful measure. With many people in the UK still suffering from slow internet connections, it is considered rude to send friends photos or screenshots that are large enough.
one more turn – 4⅝ hours.
keyboard – the volume of dead skin you would get if you rocked the Duke of Edinburgh’s keyboard upside down. 1 keyboard will guide you through approximately 1 week of witchcraft.
Baird – 240 vertical screen lines. All 4K TVs and monitors sold in the UK will be rebranded as 9 Baird. A government source tells me, “The Baird demonstrates our commitment to Sssscotland?” He was Scottish, wasn’t he? “
soon – 1 soon is 6⅘ hours.
Soon – 1 Soon corresponds to 13 weeks, or 321⅕ soon.
SOON ™ – 1 SOON ™ corresponds to 23 months, or 7 86??125 Soon, or 2469 soon.
nb do not confuse soons, soons or SOON ™ s with the Soon the American imperial – 1 American imperial soon 8⅚ months.
Steam backlog – any overwhelming amount of unfinished business. Literally, no one with over 15 years of life left even remembers the meaning of all of those Imperial units, so it’s good to have a flexible unit. Yeah man, 1 Steam backlog, whatever.
Modest indie bundle – 6 video games. While 1 Steam backlog consists of tasks with no fixed quantity, 3 Humble Indie Bundles make 1 Steam backlog. Get it, Rachel Riley.
Racial justice and itch equality package – 1741 software. You get 290⅙ Humble Indie Bundle at 1 Itch Racial Justice And Equality Bundle, but sort of 1 Itch Racial Justice And Equality Bundle comes out at only 1½ Steam backlog. Wait, sorry, the government insider tells me they deem this unit unacceptable and schools will not be allowed to teach it.
MX Blue – 1 MX Blue is the volume of someone typing a Points Of View complaint email on a player keyboard. 2 MX Blues is loud enough to file a noise complaint with the board.
3090 – 1 3090 is 2kg. I wouldn’t want to subvert official government messages, but I could casually observe that you could just divide 3090 by 2 to get weights in kilograms. Although like the graphics card, good luck getting a 3090 of fresh veg these days.
Don’t worry, you’ll only need to learn these new units for about three video game stores, all of which still have yellowed copies of Fifa 08 for Wii on sale for £ 60.
Would you like to contribute your own unit suggestions, dear reader?